Losing Everything to Find Love...

I pick up the next letter.

Reader's letter:

In 1996, I first learned about your books at a seminar in Saint Petersburg. Since then, the Bible and your books have always been at hand. They helped me to rise from my knees, but I couldn't walk yet, I wasn't able... but I will! I remember how you said at the seminar that there is no need to strive for personal appointments because you give all your knowledge in the books and one just needs to diligently read them.

For over fifteen years, I have been pondering my problem daily. I started to write everything down, systematize, and analyze events, causes, and effects. But I'm missing something. What am I doing or not doing? I don't understand!

I married the first man in my life out of love and gave birth to a healthy son at 19. I always strived to be a friend and helper to my husband and son. We attended Sunday school together. I worked for a Christian company. I studied and worked hard, relying on no one. I never looked at other men. I always treated my parents with respect. My relationship with my husband had its ups and downs, but at a certain point, it became clear that we had grown into different people. We lived together for 12 years. I left him with a calm heart with just a handbag, leaving him in our apartment, and rented a small one-bedroom apartment for myself.

My son – my sorrow, my lesson, my mistakes... Question: is it only the mother who shapes all the son's misfortunes?..

My son decided to stay with his father. It was hard for me, but I knew that time would put everything in its place. And so it happened, a year later my son moved in with me. I got married for the second time. We have warm and kind relationships in our family. A boy and a girl were born. There's a 20-year age difference between the daughter and the eldest son. But the eldest son chose a difficult path. His first conviction was at 15. He and his classmates took an old «Moskvich» for a ride around the courtyard and crashed it. We paid the damages. Then he was paying for his studies at a technical college to become a programmer. I worked at three places. He studied well and graduated with good grades. But then he decided to joke with a fellow student, said he would sell him drugs, crushed some analgin, went to «sell» it to him, and got arrested as a major drug dealer and sent to a strict regime colony. There was a desperate need for a tick in the solved crimes column.

Even the TV showed that they caught a particularly big fish! The lawyer said that if he pleaded guilty at the trial, he would get half the sentence, and he admitted his guilt. When my son got out of prison, he went to work in construction, the hardest work, and worked there for six months, but they didn't pay him. Then he started working as a taxi driver, worked day and night, but crashed the car, and we paid for it. Then he started repairing cars, but his garage was robbed, his tools were stolen, and his cars were stolen... Then he was badly beaten in the police station, and now he has been lying in a psychiatric hospital for a year.

In your books, I read that if such things happen to children, it means I didn't teach my son Love. Probably, I didn't know it myself at 19, but I tried my best and searched for it very hard... Every day I pray for my son. And every day I think: why is this happening and what can I do? When I ask these questions to my husband, – here, I say: «It's written here: whatever happens to children openly, happens to parents internally», – he replies: «Your son is no longer «children»»!

Question: do our children remain our children forever, or is there an age when they are accountable for themselves?

I ask my husband: «What do you think are my mistakes? What didn't I do for my son?», and he replies: «Why do you completely discount the father's influence? After all, the son is 100% a consumer, just like his father»! But the son is my sorrow, my lesson, my mistakes...

Question: is it only the mother who forms all the son's misfortunes?

I ask my husband: «What can I, should I, what is necessary to do for my son?», and my husband replies: «It's time to leave him, let him go, free him from yourself! You have small children, take care of them! And just love your son»! I do love him. But how can I leave a person in a helpless state?

Question: can I do anything for my son? It's very important for me to understand my mistakes to avoid repeating them while raising the younger kids!

And also. Once my husband and I were at a seminar where the leader offered hypnosis, the purpose of which was to find oneself at the very end of a previous life. We approached it with sarcasm, but I decided to try. Everything I experienced changed me completely. I was dying with an infinite feeling of hatred towards the «reds». In this life, I have never experienced such feelings and feelings of such strength.

My son was in my previous life too. He was very critical of me for a ruinous roulette game, for having him out of wedlock... But I don't know how to connect all this information with this life and what can be fixed... Thank you for your work! For your Love for us. It's such happiness – to hold your new book in my hands. I wish you health!

Saint Petersburg

****

Sergey Nikolaevich's reply:

The phone answers with long beeps. Hearing a female voice, I switch to the vision of subtle planes. The woman has problems with three children, and not only with the children but also with grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Deep grievances against people are enormous, idealism is gigantic. This happens with women who are either very beautiful, intelligent, or spiritually very strong but poorly raised.

It's strange that she only wrote about her eldest son. Apparently, the younger children must also have problems. The woman will go through the humiliation of the body and spirit, but the pain of the soul is unbearable for her – her reaction will be a 7-fold death wish for men and the surrounding world.

«But here, it's not so much jealousy as pride», I think. «Very strange. Why then did she have children in such a case? Maybe there was a serious cleansing, and the woman went through her main trial...»

I introduce myself and immediately get to the point. I ask her to name the eldest son. On the subtle plane, he looks very sad: the field around him is collapsing. But in one place, there is a shining spot that does not allow the hieroglyph of death to close completely. This means: the guy should die, but he has a guardian angel who replaces death with serious troubles. I look at the acceptance of a traumatizing situation. Preservation of love during bodily humiliation – zero, during spiritual humiliation – also zero. The pain of the soul is unbearable – four crosses. In such a case, any insult to the soul is a fatal variant. They destroy fate to save the soul and, ultimately, life.

Where did this come from? I see that the tendency mainly comes through the maternal line – through the mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, but strangely enough, it somehow closes on the mother. What did this woman do if her son is in such a deplorable state? I can feel that the situation is different from others, but I still can't understand what it is.

I need to look at the younger children. If they are «clean», then we will dig into what was there before the conception of the first son. I ask the interlocutor to name the children, and what I see plunges me into complete bewilderment. On the subtle plane, they look terrible. The boy's field is the same as the elder brother's. The same collapsed field, and in one place – a lifesaving break and a shining spot. Again, a strong guardian angel. Maybe these are the souls of children who were supposed to be born? Moreover, the boy is good-natured, non-aggressive, but already has self-hatred.

The self-destruction program is associated with the worship of a fortunate fate. The pain of the soul for both younger children is unbearable, especially from a close person. Therefore, there must be troubles by fate – they are easier to bear. Where does such colossal pride, such worship of ideals and spirituality come from? Probably, the children are very talented.

– Tell me, what is the character of your second son?

– Normal. He is an amazingly bright person.

– And how does he deal with troubles?

There's a pause. – He takes it very hard,

– the woman replies.

– I can't give you good news, the situation with the younger son is very bad, – I inform her. – Spirituality, ideals, bright feelings – all this is good, but when they become an end in themselves, it's a disaster.

Christ had to go through crucifixion to show the whole world: it is possible to survive the collapse of morality, trust, ideals, beauty, any higher feelings – and yet preserve love.

Spirituality and beauty are more important to your children than love. In such cases, the stronger a person is spiritually, the less chance they have to survive.

– And what about your daughter? – the woman asks.

– The daughter, most likely, will survive, but as of today, she practically has no chance of having children.

The worship of the basic human instinct in her is huge, that is, the worship of beauty, spirituality, ideals, a fortunate fate. At the same time, the main instinct – love for God – is lost. The girl will not want to live if there is a collapse of the usual world picture, if she is betrayed or if loved ones die. In fact, she already does not want to live internally. When puberty comes, there may be a serious illness. In the best case, health will be preserved, but there will be infertility. The chances of creating a family, therefore, are slim. I pause and try to understand what could be the cause of future tragedies. But I still can't find anything.

– And how are your relatives living? Any misfortunes?

– No, everyone lives normally.

– Maybe you had some troubles that made you not want to live?

The woman thinks, then tells:

– I've been through a lot. I survived the war in Grozny. My relatives died under the bombing. But I took all this calmly.

– Were there any grievances against your first husband?

– No, you know, there were neither grievances nor condemnation. I lived with him for 12 years.

And although he didn't want to work, lived by himself, and at my expense, I endured it. He was unfaithful to me, but I didn't judge him. By the way, when we separated, he seemed to come to life. He changed for the better, started working.

– Don't you think that his behavior was related to your internal state?

– Quite possible.

I ponder again. There's a problem, but no solution. I can't reach an understanding. No matter how hard I try, I just don't get it – and that's it.

– Are you working now? What does work mean to you? – I continue my attempts to figure out the situation.

– No, I'm only taking care of the children now. I was the chief accountant of a huge company. When I got pregnant with my second son, I left there.

They even considered me a traitor and were very offended at me. But for me, the family was more important. And now I don't work, I take care of the children. I also do a lot of painting. By the way, money constantly disappears, – the woman adds, – somehow, it doesn't stay with me. I always felt somehow that I shouldn't try to improve my fate. Though I could have... I immerse myself in thought again, trying to unravel what the matter is...

S. N. Lazarov, «Experience of Survival», part 6