Love, like faith, cannot exist without sacrifice

The husband is a tyrant! A reader sent me a letter asking for help. I replied to her, and a correspondence ensued.

Dear Sergey Nikolaevich, I am very grateful to you for your work. I cannot imagine how I would live without being familiar with your system. Lately, my life has been going downhill...

I have been familiar with your books since I was 15-16 years old, and I read them occasionally before meeting my husband (at 21). I can't say that I worked very actively on myself, but I knew and felt the direction in which I needed to move.

Three months after meeting my future husband, we began to have problems in our relationship. Nevertheless, the wedding took place, and we have been married for almost 13 years, with two children. We always had scandals; he humiliated me, could hit me, but what is happening now is simply a disaster. Moreover, I have been constantly working on myself, especially in the last two years. I try to accept everything that happens with love and gratitude, I read your books and attend seminars.

And the situation is as follows: the family is on the brink of divorce, my husband beats me severely (I am afraid that someday he will simply miscalculate a blow and kill me), he humiliates me in every possible way, both physically and mentally, says the most terrible things imaginable, and he cheats.

I understand that there is something I am not working on enough, perhaps I did not understand something in your system! I beg you: please help me understand what I am doing wrong? I am ready to continue working on myself. It's just that everything is getting worse and worse... I have never seen anything like this in any family. I could get divorced, but perhaps it would just be escaping from the problem, and I want to understand where I am falling short, and I don't want him to just kill me and leave the children orphaned.

I have changed a lot recently, I perceive everything that happens with much more ease, I thank God for the opportunity to change, I hold onto love. But something very important is slipping away. Please advise me on what I need to work on more!

I try not to hold a grudge against my husband, to see the Divine will in everything, but why does the situation not only fail to improve but continues to deteriorate?

With respect...

Good day!

From the very beginning of my research, I have spoken about the dialectics of human relations with the world. The icon of the Mother of God is the embodiment of happiness and sorrow simultaneously because the woman must lose her son, but she knows that her son is the Savior.

The nature of human beings is dual; we are Divine by our essence. Since we are Divine and feel the Divine will deep within our souls, we must not resist it internally and lovingly accept everything that happens.

But Christ said, «Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's.»

Externally, we live according to human logic, which differs from the Divine logic. Conflict occurs externally, and without conflict, there is no development. But against the backdrop of love, conflict becomes a means of development, while without love, it turns into a means of destruction.

Externally, one must behave appropriately to the situation while internally maintaining love, refraining from judgment, regret, and feeling the Divine will. Christ taught forgiveness and, at the same time, spoke of punishing those who do not understand explanations.

We still do not understand what is said in the Bible. For two thousand years, we have perceived only a part, a half-truth, and as is known, a half-truth is worse than a lie. On one hand, Christ said that one can forgive a person hundreds of times, and on the other hand, «Do not throw your pearls before swine». The point is that there are different levels of human development.

A person who attaches himself to the body resembles an animal. Such a person understands only the language of force. He perceives politeness as weakness and morality as foolishness. He fears only strength and respects only strength.

A spiritual person respects intelligence, spiritual strength. He submits to those who are spiritually stronger and despises the spiritually weak, namely the foolish, incompetent, and incapable.

A person of the soul is superior to a person of the body and a person of the spirit, but he may worship the soul while despising immoral people.

Each person requires a specific attitude.

If your husband perceives himself only as a body and understands only the language of force, then you should love him, you should forgive him, but at the same time, you should file a police report and warn him that he will go to jail if he continues to beat you. This is education; this is dialectics. Education is carried out not only with the help of rewards but also with the help of punishment. When Christ saw the traders in the temple, he understood that they could not be persuaded, so he drove them out of the temple with a whip.

A person was an animal and will remain an animal. As we know, a person is a mineral, a plant, an animal, a human, and divine. The more we approach God, the higher human qualities are revealed in us. When we move away from God, the animal within us awakens. As the example of Christ shows, the whip is necessary here. Without dialectics, there is no development. Internally, we submit to God.

But externally, we are somewhere masters, and somewhere slaves; somewhere bosses, and somewhere subordinates. This is a natural game called life. Learn to relate to your husband correctly. On the one hand, there must be repentance, transformation of your character because you have inner aggression that attracts reciprocal aggression.

But, on the other hand, internal work on oneself does not exclude external work on oneself. And external work on oneself consists of trying to communicate with a person in his language.

If your husband understands only the language of physical strength, then you should talk to him from this position.

If he respects spiritual strength, then you need to persuade him, explain to him, and negotiate with him.

It is easiest to communicate with a person of the soul because the soul is dialectical. Such a person is capable of understanding others, changing his opinion, and compromising. Learn to react to the surrounding world correctly, that is, dialectically: with love, but also with firmness or gentleness according to the external situation. Try it.

A person of the body can be persuaded by force—threat of punishment, physical pain, the prospect of retribution.

A person of the spirit can be persuaded by the strength of the spirit, will, determination, purposefulness. A person of the soul can be persuaded by morality, decency, kindness, care, attention, mercy, selflessness.

Love and care are needed by everyone. But for a person of the body, violence is more necessary, for a person of the spirit, persuasion, and for a person of the soul, warmth and affection. Transition from one level of development to another is quite complex and agonizing. Essentially, the Bible is a school that helps a person transition from an animal state to a human one. Nowadays, atheism is strengthening worldwide, and there is a return to an animal state.

In such conditions, the thesis «Turn the other cheek» is replaced by the thesis «An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth». By the way, Christ did not abolish any of the commandments of Judaism.

If a child is unable to learn in the 10th grade, they are transferred back to the 9th grade. And many Christians, not understanding the meaning of Judaism, rejecting the need for slow, gradual spiritual growth, decided to instantly achieve the highest levels of human development. By abandoning the school, they tried to immediately enter the university.

Naturally, the result was lamentable. They not only did not understand the essence of Christianity but, failing to master Judaism, are returning to a pagan state. And for a pagan, there is only one law - the law of fear and strength. By the way, money is the equivalent of power. There is one common mistake. When reviewing your past, you must fully accept everything that happened.

Since everything is from God, there should be no internal protest. There is no human will in the past, only divine will. But many people mistakenly transfer such an attitude to the present, that is, they try to see only the divine will in the present and eliminate human will. Such a path is suitable only for a saint or a recluse.

The reality of the present requires a dialectical attitude from us. In the present, unlike the past, human will is present, and it is necessary. Any religion begins with sacrifice, that is, with self-sacrifice for something higher. There is no love, just like there is no faith, without sacrifice.

A man who is unable to sacrifice, who does not know how to care, cannot become a good husband and father - a woman should not tie her life to such a person. If a man is not ready to die protecting his family, he is not a man, not a father, and not a husband. But if he has these qualities, then we can talk about upbringing and self-education.

P.S. Tell me, how did you meet your husband, what were your relationships like before? What were the relationships like in your family? Describe how your parents lived. What was your mother's character like? What were your relationships with your mother? Did you have any traumatizing situations with men before marriage? Did you feel any hatred towards men?

S.N. Lazarev, «Secrets of Family Happiness»