The dialectics of self-education and educating others

Reader's Question:

Good day, Sergey Nikolaevich!

I am 50 years old. I have been familiar with your books for a long time. I have read many of them several times. I immediately took your books as practical instructions, although I did not consistently work on myself. It has been over 20 years since I read your first book.

I am very grateful to you for the work you have done. In religious books, books on philosophy, and psychology, I did not find answers to my questions—specifically, a lack of an overarching theory. Your books helped me consolidate everything in my mind; they were a guide to action for me, not just some theory. Thank you very much.

Currently, I am in a difficult situation with my wife. I had to leave her with our two children, ages 7 and 10. According to your books, the fate of children depends more on the mother's worldview than on the father’s. What should I do if the woman is not even willing to try to read your books? Especially since, in light of recent events, she is completely unwilling to engage in dialogue... How can I alone change the situation?

I read your books over and over again, and most importantly, I pray. But can I influence our relationship? I mean, of course, our souls, not just our bodies.

I worry about the children and do not know how to explain all this to them. From what I can tell, they already have problems related to the theme of family and relationships. It seems that not only am I being treated for these issues, but they are too.

Respectfully…

*****

Response from Sergey Nikolaevich: Since a woman is connected to her children, her energy is stronger than a man's. A woman gives birth to boys, so subconsciously, a man sees a mother in every woman as well.

Every woman always combines the roles of a mother, a daughter, and a sister—this is realized at different levels. Generally, in a typical situation, a mother influences her children more than a father does, because she gives birth to them. Children are more oriented towards their mother's inner state.

However, if one of the spouses turns to God, if they are developing, if love unfolds in their soul and attachment decreases, then they will have more influence on the other family members. When a person is moving in the right direction, their dependence on others decreases, and then others begin to depend more on them.

Seraphim of Sarov said: «Acquire a peaceful spirit, and thousands around you will be saved.»

People change when they have at least a minimal desire to change. Sometimes, fate pushes a person towards the desire to change quite harshly and sometimes cruelly. But for this choice to be voluntary, beforehand the person must undergo serious trials, losses, through which attachment decreases.

When a person truly feels love, then they are ready to relinquish attachments. When love turns into passion, it is nearly impossible to let go of attachments.

Therefore, fate helps us with illnesses, misfortunes, and losses if our attachment to life is too high. That's why the apostles said: «He that has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin,» meaning illness prevents people from sinning. Illness curbs our desires, instincts, attachment to life, and pushes us towards love.

The Old Testament says: «A whip for the horse, a bridle for the donkey, and a rod for the backs of fools.» As the proverb goes, «A word to the wise, a rod to the fool.» The wise is someone who is ready to develop voluntarily, while the fool is one who only develops under compulsion, from fear of punishment.

Christ called for love, forgiveness, and mercy, and at the same time, he said, «Do not give what is holy to the dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you,» which means, «Do not cast pearls before swine.»

There is a category of people who categorically refuse to change – persuasion and admonition are useless in such cases. The upbringing of such people should begin with a stick, with a whip, with strict restrictions, with the creation of difficulties. And when these difficulties reduce their attachment, then the person can move on to voluntary, conscious striving forward. Christ said that a person who has a chance to change but does not want to do so should be rebuked three times.

And if this person still does not want to change, then he should be treated as a sinner: «Let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.»

In reality, Christianity is not a doctrine of all-forgiveness. Christianity is a doctrine of forgiving those who are ready to change and helping those who are willing to change. But if a person categorically does not want to change or develop, then in this case, the help should come in the form of a stick or a whip. Such a person should face more restrictions, more problems, more «whip» and less «carrot».

If your wife categorically refuses to change, then to help her change, you need to create conditions that will push her towards love. God is love. The main law of development is the law of unity and the struggle of opposites. When there is unity, conflict leads to development. When there is no unity, conflict leads to destruction. If there is unity but no conflict, degradation also occurs.

There must be unity and love, and there must be diversity, which leads to conflict and development. Severe suppression, subjugation, and control over a woman are extremes that will not lead to love and development. This may force her to submit, but it will not foster warm feelings in her soul.

If you only give a woman benefits, compliments, and gifts, this will also lead to degradation because it is the opposite extreme. Only the «whip» is as harmful as only the «carrot». There must be a proper balance of positive and negative emotions. You need to explain to your wife that her wrong state affects the children.

You can also influence your wife through financial and other restrictions to make her somewhat dependent on you. That is, in the upbringing of such people, factors of the whip come first, and factors of the carrot come second. But all this should be done against the backdrop of love, meaning even harsh treatment should be accompanied by understanding, kindness, and respect.

The most significant impact on another person occurs when we demonstrate our inner state, when we show them the right direction and path through ourselves. We must always demonstrate love, kindness, understanding, mercy, and flexibility, along with either gentleness or firmness, depending on the person's readiness to change.

Usually, women whose love has turned into attachment try to subjugate the man, control him, and blackmail him with children or divorce. But love implies, on one hand, absolute inner unity and, on the other, freedom and independence. Such women want the husband to fully meet their desires, goals, and hopes.

The most important thing for you is not to judge, despise, be offended, feel irritation, or despair. Love, patience, understanding, alternating firmness and gentleness – all of these will inevitably lead to positive results. Such seeds always sprout, maybe not immediately. You need to be patient. In any case, the right attitude towards your children and wife will help their souls.

Who knows, maybe you will not be together anymore. Perhaps your wife's ability to change is limited, or maybe a different fate is already destined for both of you. We can do everything that depends on us, and then – it's up to God.

You should not worry about the future, regret the past, or be dissatisfied with the present – all of this only hinders both our changes and the internal help to others. Any successful endeavor – whether it be upbringing, relationships, or business – should begin with a sense of love. This is the basis, the foundation. To start educating your wife, you first need to remove any aggression towards women through repentance. If you have grievances, judgment, contempt, or dissatisfaction in your soul – all of this will hinder the educational process. Reproaches and accusations will only get in the way.

To ensure that the upbringing and help to your wife lead to a successful outcome, it is necessary to remove aggression towards God by overcoming dissatisfaction with yourself, your fate, regrets about the past, dissatisfaction with the present, and worries about the future. You need to remove any claims against your parents, judgment, grievances, and dissatisfaction with them. Our parents gave us life, so they should not be judged.

You can have your own opinion, you can educate your parents, but judgment, inner dissatisfaction, and renunciation of love for them are unacceptable. Any pain from a woman is a treatment for the soul.

If there are problems in relationships with a woman, it means that there is not enough love in a man's soul, and these problems are given to him so that he does not look for the guilty ones but seeks new ways of development.

S. N. Lazarev, «40 Questions about the Soul, Fate, and Health 2»