The Purpose and Essence of Family

I recall the touching letter from a woman who had a difficult family life. Despite all her care, humility, and prayers, her husband refused to change and treated her aggressively.

For many years, she tried to improve her relationship with her husband, but eventually, they still had to part ways. The woman sincerely did not understand why this happened. In reality, she never learned to think. It is often said that discipline is impossible without both the carrot and the stick.

When a husband acts out, the standard behavior pattern for a woman is either to call the police, defend herself, scream, throw tantrums, fueling hatred towards her husband, or, conversely, show «humility,» passivity, and non-confrontation: the woman tries to please her husband in everything, submitting to him while accumulating self-degradation and self-hatred.

In both cases, the woman loses because she cannot overcome the instinct of self-preservation, dependence on which breeds aggression towards others or herself. First, one needs to see the Divine will in what is happening—hatred, condemnation, and offense cannot be associated with God.

Nor can one associate despondency with God, for we carry God within us. When we are free from despondency and condemnation and move towards love, we begin to change. Typically, a spouse's behavior is a reflection of our inner state. The absence of conflicts is not a sign of marital happiness.

A person who cannot unite pain and joy, fleeing from pain, also escapes from conflict. The family's energy weakens, and spouses become bored with each other. Indifference arises, leading to infidelity. The situation may turn opposite—then the spouses constantly conflict, trying to suppress each other. Life is no longer boring, but aggressiveness leads to health problems and the same outcomes of infidelity or divorce.

A loving mother kisses and caresses her child but also teaches him the meaning of «no» and disciplines him. She will spank him if he blatantly refuses to obey. Often, when a woman conflicts with her husband, she tries to offend, humiliate him, or deprive him of something.

Yet, it's possible to simply have a sincere conversation and express grievances—then it's easier to resolve any issue. A sincerely expressed grievance is also a stick. The truth always hurts. But if there is love, then the pain is administered in doses and helps rather than destroys.

If a woman cannot maintain love in communication with her husband, if depression or internal hatred accumulates, then, I think, it's better to divorce.

If Christ said, «Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine,» it means that there are people who are not yet ready for voluntary change.

A word to the wise, and a stick for the fool.

If for someone the instinct of self-preservation is the main and absolute value, then fate, bringing diseases, misfortunes, and humiliations, can help him—prepare him for voluntary changes. Everyone has their own capabilities to change themselves and educate others.

If a woman sees a selfish, aggressive, greedy, envious man before her and believes that love can completely change him, she is right, of course, but it may take more than one or two lifetimes.

Moreover, it's important to understand that love is not just about comfort, pleasure, and positive emotions. Love is about discipline, responsibility, and restraining instincts. Love involves pain and loss. It is pleasure interspersed with suffering. If a woman aims to change a close person within a year, she may later lament the wasted time and the meaninglessness of the relationship. But if you loved, changed, and helped another change, then no time was wasted.

If you sacrificed yourself, did everything for your husband, but still didn't achieve what you desired, the time was still not wasted. Sacrifice is the suppression of instincts, creating an opportunity to turn to love and change. The main thing is that you change for the better, as this is one of the primary goals of family life. The birth and upbringing of children, self-improvement, and supporting one's husband are the main components of a normal family.

Many women and men fail to create a family. They don't understand that family relationships should strengthen love, morality, and enhance mutual sacrifice and care. Spouses should help each other overcome dependency on lust, transforming animal energy into human and Divine energy.

If aggression, lustfulness, greed, and envy increase, if lust comes to the forefront, firstly, such a family is not viable, and secondly, a person with such tendencies will not be allowed to have a family.

A strong family is one in which the spouses help each other learn to love and purify the soul. We do not know what lies in our subconscious, we do not know what happened in the lives of our ancestors. The memory of past lives is also closed to us. But we must understand that the outside world relates to us according to our inner state.

I have seen that spouses are always similar to each other. A rough husband may seem to have a meek wife externally, but scratch the surface, and it becomes clear: a sense of superiority, a desire to suppress the other, is firmly rooted inside her. The level of pride and jealousy in spouses is usually the same; these issues just manifest differently in them. There's a good Russian proverb: «Don't blame the mirror if your face is crooked.»

If one tries to overcome internal slavery and feels that love is more important than instincts, the people around will begin to change.

S. N. Lazarev, «Experience of Survival, Part 4»