Doctors couldn’t establish a precise diagnosis; they said it resembled sluggish schizophrenia. In an Orthodox church in 1994, they said it was demonic possession. I underwent three exorcisms — no effect.
From the age of 14, to keep from losing my mind, I drank heavily, fooled around with women (but never lived together with anyone), masturbated a lot, and ended up in psychiatric hospitals with delirium tremens.
Outwardly, you wouldn’t even know: 187 cm tall, imposing appearance, expert-level skier. Because of this, psychiatrists didn’t want to give me any disability benefits until I bribed them.
I either get kicked out of every job, or I run away myself. Any job makes me unbearably aggressive towards others and myself, and I’m talking about paid work. I wanted everything at once. But that was in the past.
Let’s move on. Recently, I’ve felt the urge to write something, to find fulfillment, so I’m a bit envious of you.
Ah, if only someone knew how hard it is to appear normal, even attractive, while suffering hellish torment inside! It’s very difficult to write this letter; I can’t use the Internet without losing my temper.
I’ve been familiar with your work since the release of your first book in 1993, but only in 2007 did I start experiencing changes. The theme of the «Human of the Future» touched my soul! The depression vanished, and energy emerged!
I felt light, an inner illumination, the freshness of a morning breeze. I can easily imagine the holographic nature of the Universe, I am in all that exists, the Creator’s Love. I felt Unity with God and an unbroken sense of love for Him.
I completely stopped drinking; I have no desire to. It’s been two years now, as if I never drank at all — it’s almost funny.
And yet, before that, I was treated multiple times by Moscow’s best addiction specialists for a lot of money. By the way, one of them, a professor, said: «You’re insane, it’s useless to help you. You’re going to die anyway.» And I thought to myself: «Only after you, sir.» That’s my story.
Now, Sergey Nikolayevich, let the hopeless people, having learned about my experience, know that it’s better to just move or crawl forward and work on oneself than to shake in fear, pity oneself, and give up.
I realized that these joyful moments of spiritual enlightenment and light, seemingly out of nowhere, cannot be bought for all the wealth of our beautiful Earth. I wish everyone Love and spiritual enlightenment.
P.S. Sorry for the text, I had to write concisely. In 2002, my pancreas was removed; it had rotted away. Now I have impotence and unstable emotions. I fight aggression, take medication, but I’m still happy. Thank you!
Actually, when I read your letter, it felt like you were writing my biography. With the difference that my situation was slightly better in terms of physical and mental health.
For many years, I lived with the feeling that someone had stabbed a knife into my stomach and kept twisting it, while I had to smile and pretend that nothing was happening.
Unfortunately, I can’t share all the details, but believe me, what is called the humiliation of body, spirit, and soul didn’t just happen frequently in my life — it happened constantly.
It’s impossible to survive internally in such conditions. I understand why people become criminals. It’s simply an attempt at self-destruction, subconsciously drawing death as a relief from spiritual torment.
The only way to survive was to subconsciously strive for love. These continuous sufferings helped me to feel love as a reality, and gradually all that was called misfortune became, for me, a habitual opportunity to fight, grow, and change for the better.
But one day, about fifteen years ago, I said to myself: «Why should I constantly strive toward God? I’m simply tired. Why should I always keep love in my heart?»
And for one day, I lived with the feeling of having lost the sense of love. The sensation of light, inner warmth, and the meaning of existence disappeared. And that’s when I realized what true misfortune was.
If I were to sum up all the problems I’ve had in life, all my suffering and pain, they would not amount to even one-thousandth of the inexpressible misery I felt then. It lasted exactly one day.
I don’t know what would have happened to me if that state had continued. That’s when I understood why people end their lives through suicide: they try to replace the death of the soul with the death of the body.
Then everything returned to normal. I still felt hurt when I was treated unfairly, regretted lost money, and was dissatisfied with the cramped bedroom in my apartment.
But at the same time, I never forgot that I was truly happy — every moment, every second, every hour, and every day.
Not losing this state became one of my main goals. And then I realized that this state could be developed, strengthened, and increased.
So we are all moving together in the same direction. We all help each other. Experience, even if not expressed or written down, is conveyed to the souls of all people on a sensory level.
Victory over oneself never goes unnoticed. By saving our own soul, we are always helping and saving others as well. If the soul revives, the consciousness and body will revive too.
It’s pleasant to know and feel that there are like-minded individuals.
S. N. Lazarev, «Survival Experience, Part 1»
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