It is now January 1996, and as I look out the window at the snow-dusted tree branches, I am rethinking the events of the past few months. I have written my second book, in which I delved deeper, trying to develop my concept further. In the first book, everything was very straightforward: there is aggression, there is disease. Remove aggression, and the disease goes away. In the second book, I tried to understand where the aggression comes from. I concluded that an incorrect system of priorities breeds aggression. Excessive attachment to earthly values, desiring to make them the goal and meaning of life, inevitably led to the accumulation of aggression. This meant that God should be loved more than all earthly things. I then realized that my discoveries were not new. All this could be read in the Bible. Not only in the Bible, but also in Indian philosophical sources, the same thing was said. Excessive attachment to the earthly begets passions, and passions lead to diseases. I understood that I was retracing a path that had been walked before me. However, since I was not dependent on any sources and did not refuse any research, I could move forward. Islam, Christianity, and Judaism emerged after Indian religion and philosophy. I had the feeling that, having gone through the key moments of these religions and summarizing them, I would not only approach Indian philosophy and religion but would be forced to engage in spiritual practices. But before that, from the perspective of my system, I needed to understand why in Indian mythology God is the creator, why this Universe is declared an illusion and why loving it makes no sense. Reality was pushing me towards this much faster than I thought. When I finished the second book, my worldview changed dramatically. I firmly knew and proved with hundreds of facts that earthly values are not God and should not be worshipped. But for me, spirituality and God were one and the same. Painful rethinking allowed me to stop the drama that could have played out in the near future. It turned out that spiritual values also cannot be the goal and meaning of life. And when the soul becomes attached to them, aggression flares up even more extensively and with greater force. I managed to incorporate what I understood into the second book and was confident that it was enough, that the mad race could now stop and I could dedicate a few years to free research. Moreover, an interesting topic emerged, related to time. I felt that much lay behind it.
One of the most serious stages of my understanding began at the end of 1994. I felt that I was beginning to lose control of the situation. I worked according to the scheme I had developed. There is earthly, there is Divine. Attachment to the earthly generates aggression, and then misfortunes and diseases. And I explained to patients why Moses killed those who worshipped the golden calf. Moses tried to stop those for whom money and God were one. I said: here is the earthly, and here is the spiritual and Divine. Spiritual and Divine were one and the same for me. As soon as the concept of the earthly was fully formed and I decided that the second book could be released, strange things started happening to me.
Firstly, the number of patients I could not help sharply increased. I was let down and deceived in the most unexpected ways. I wrote about this in the second book. And this wave was growing.
I wanted to help one person. He shook my hand and was very grateful. Then it turned out that at the same time, he and his friend were developing plans to take as much money from me as possible. If it had been just deception, I would have taken it easily, but I was betrayed by a person I trusted and wanted to help. My system did not provide an answer as to why this happened. Everything is determined by God, and I felt that this wild, absurd story was needed for something. But for what, I could not understand. The only thing I could do was to let go of grudges and claims against these people. I did it quite quickly. It was harder to let go of the renunciation of love for those who betrayed me.
«Not bad», I thought, «I've been betrayed, yet I must love them». I managed to overcome this, and my grievances completely disappeared, but the problems did not. After some time, the left wheels of my «Moskvich» first hit the sand, then a puddle of mud. The car was flung onto the sidewalk, slipping between trees, losing first the left, then the right wing. Had it been a head-on collision, the engine would have been in my place. But all these were minor troubles. The hardest thing for me was to see a patient whose finely tuned system yielded no results. The feeling of a person drowning, and instead of saving him, you're just waving from the shore.
I remember one case. A patient who was physically healthy came to me, but his problems began at a deeper level.
«Your soul is attached to money and good fortune», I explained to him. «Your subconscious aggression exceeds a lethal level, like a ticking time bomb inside you, ready to explode. You need to pray not for earthly things, but for the spiritual and divine».
He believed me, and his condition began to improve, but then something unexpected happened.
«I quit my job», he told me, «I have no desire to work. I've lost interest in worldly things».
«Don't worry, this will pass», I explained. «Initially, there's a rejection of the worldly, an indifference towards it, but then one returns to earthly happiness, enjoying it without being attached».
But he didn't return. He drifted further away, and I couldn't do anything. His wife called me, tearfully begging for help.
«I'm worried about my husband's psyche», she said. «He's hung crosses and icons everywhere, stopped communicating with friends and family. He just doesn't listen to anything I say».
So, I spoke to the patient again. I explained that it was time to return to the worldly. But he couldn't.
«You know, I've lost interest in women and life in general», he told me.
Of course, this could be attributed to the patient's personality. But I felt it was connected to the wave I had set in motion and couldn't stop. Therefore, I couldn't release the second book. There was something unfinished in the information I was giving. I knew, better than anyone, the powerful impact of information presented in a book. Meanwhile, the book market was flooded with pirated forgeries, containing things that shocked readers, and they thought I had written them. I was suggested to release the second book in parts, to curb the chaos in the book market, but I couldn't take the risk. Moreover, the readers read not the second but a third book. The real second book was written in 1993. I took one case from it and discarded the rest. I started writing the book anew. I didn't want the second book to be a mere rehash or repetition of the first. Hence, there was a sense of a sharp transition in the second book. «As if written by a different person», the readers admitted.
Amidst all this chaos, I saw one thing clearly: my system was imperfect, but there was no turning back, and ahead lay a wall I couldn't overcome. I wouldn't have overcome it if I hadn't known how important research is for those who will soon fall ill and die, not understanding why or what it's all about.
Now, I don't remember the details, but step by step, moving forward, I gradually understood my mistake. I realized that spirituality and God are different things, that abilities and intellect are just the first layer of the spiritual, and that deeper layers include morality, decency, justice, morals, and ideals. Day and night, trying to resolve the situation, I came to understand that the spiritual is of much greater value than the earthly, the material. But to make the spiritual the goal is an even greater renunciation of God.